I was a teenage HMHB fan : Half Man Half Biscuit live in Durham

In the dimly lit booth, a devilishly good looking, dark haired young man waits patiently to be addressed. It was very quiet, the young man convincing himself that he could, in fact, hear the air. Sitting on his hands in the space, really big enough for only one, the young man begins to tap his feet nervously. It's not long before there's a sharp, cool breeze within the booth, and a voice. A voice, on the other side of the wooden grille. The young man was in the confessional of his mind, and it was now or never.

"Yes? What is it? I am quite busy", rasped the gravelly voice.

The young man clears his throat. "Erm, yes. I, er."

"Spit it out for goodness sake.", interrupted the increasingly impatient voice.

"Okay, well. Thing is, I've never, well, that is to say, I haven't been able...". The young man's voice tailed off.

"Take a breath son.", growled the voice.

The young man took a breath, looked upward and sighed. Under his breath, the young man whispered, "I've never actually seen Half Man Half Biscuit live before. I mean, I love the songs and I've really wanted to, maybe I haven't made that much effort but..."

"It's allowed.", interrupted the voice. There was a brief pause as the voice lowered, "they don't play round your way very often but they're playing in Durham tonight. If you go now you'll just about make it."

And with that, the young man leapt excitedly from the wooden bench and bolted for the exit. Stopping to call back, the young man shouted, "oh and thank you. But who are you?"

There was a pause. A bearded man, wearing a yellow shirt with maroon sleeves, dissolved into view. "Davey, I'm John Peel, and I'll see you there."

And so, Half Man Half Biscuit. Live in Durham. And, through the November ice and snow, I was there. A casual fan of HMHB for many years, excitement in Davey towers was brimming when the news broke that Birkenhead's finest would be heading to the North East for a rare gig. Champions of the late, great John Peel and veterans of his eponymous 'Peel sessions' it's fair to say most music lovers have a certain place in their hearts for HMHB.

Cult band extraordinaire, and once described as a minor British institution, HMHB are probably as well known for their sardonic take on popular culture as they are for their raw style of music. A strange mix of garage, punk and indie, they've had a colourful history, and they're also football fans - once turning down an appearance on The Tube because Tranmere Rovers were at home. But as much as the music and lyrics continue to resonate, I'm also captivated by the band's sense of minimalism. Almost like four mates turning up at a pub to rattle out some of their favourite numbers, there's no glitz, no unnecessary showmanship, and front man Nigel Blackwell's razor-sharp witted banter with the crowd was unbounded. Nigel even seemed embarrassed by the venue's big screens which were magnifying the performance on either side of the stage.

Playing to a busy and excited Live Lounge, it was clear the band still have legs and still enjoy playing. With a career spanning nearly 30 years, barring the odd recording drought and a break-up, they were on stage for almost two hours, and they still possess the energy, passion and inter-song wit you'd associate with the band. All the charm of the vinyl recordings neatly transpose to the live setting without sounding contrived and even some topical, impromptu lyric re-writes added flavour - the line, "I quite like a bit of snow, so stick to the facts" finding its way in to "A Country Practice".

Shameless pic to illustrate something

I did feel a tinge of disappointment that some of my personal favourites didn't make the set list; "The Bastard Son of Dean Friedman", "£24.99 from Argos", "Paintball's Coming Home" and "Tour Jacket with Detachable Sleeves" to name but a few were all left behind in the rehearsal room. The long version of "24 Hour Garage People", however, more than made up for any selfish chagrin and there was always "Joy Division Oven Gloves" to hang my coat on at the close. Towards the end, Nigel briefly swapped his trusty Fender Telecaster for his Epiphone with the caravan shaped body, HMHB's frontman admitting, "it's only good for one song, then the novelty wears off".

"Curse my soul if I don't want petrol"

With the crowd baying for more, I left the venue to find my car. Travelling home, I stopped at an all night garage and was about to make an enquiry as to what sandwiches they sold when I spotted the handwritten note sellotaped to the windows of the kiosk. Seems they're on to us. Curiously there was no tuna/sweetcorn but I did pick up a blues CD on the Hallmark label. That's sure to be good.


Half Man Half Biscuit are: Nigel Blackwell, Neil Crossley, Ken Hancock and Carl Henry.




Last night's set list:
99% of Gargoyles Look Like Bob Todd
Yipps (My Baby Got The)
Light at the End of the Tunnel
Petty Sessions
If I had possession over Pancake Day
Bob Wilson, Anchorman
A Lilac Harry Quinn
Bad Losers on Yahoo! Chess
Look Dad No Tunes
Lock up your Mountain Bikes
Running Order Squabblefest
We Built This Village On A Trad.Arr. Tune
All I Want for Christmas is a Dukla Prague Away Kit
Left Lyrics in the Practice Room
Vatican Broadside
National Shite Day
24 Hour Garage People
Everything’s AOR
Secret Gig
For What is Chatteris
1966 and all that
Tommy Walsh’s Eco House
Trumpton Riots
A Country Practice
Evening of Swing (Has Been Cancelled)

I’m a Boy
Joy Division Oven Gloves

A brief visiting fans' guide to Whitley Bay

Situated on the north east coast of England just north of the Tyne, Whitley Bay (pop: 36,500) is a small seaside town with something of an identity crisis. Once the destination of choice for summer holiday makers in the north east of England, and Scotland, affordable package holidays abroad in the 1960s catalysed Whitley Bay's decline. The beautiful beaches and brilliant white lighthouse stand as a monument to the days of yore, although Whitley Bay's best days are now mostly resigned to the "Remember When?" columns in the local press. Whilst town planning committees strive to revive the town, Whitley Bay has gained notoriety as a unsavoury drinking resort. A popular destination for stag & hen parties, the South Parade area of Whitley Bay is either the place to be or the place to avoid, depending on your idea of a ‘good night out’.

That said, the town has always been proud of its football club. Plying their trade in the skilltrainingltd Northern League Division 1 in the 9th tier of English football and nicknamed the Seahorses, Whitley Bay FC have enjoyed a wealth of cup success of late. In 1989/90 Bay beat league opposition on their way to an unlikely appearance in the FA Cup 3rd round proper, eventually bowing out to Rochdale at Spotland by a single goal to nil. But it's the FA Vase that Bay fans like to call their own - three FA Vase triumphs in the last eight years has not only raised the profile and spirits of the club but raised vital funds for the club too.

A former stationery shop front put to good use on Whitley Road.

A safe distance from the cauldron of iniquity on South Parade, Hillheads Park is situated about a mile from the town centre; hemmed in by allotments, a car dealership and the ice rink. With a capacity of 4,500, Hillheads is a tidy ground which generates a good atmosphere amongst the friendly supporters, and at the time of writing, Bay's home attendances this season have averaged around 450. Entering through the turnstiles off Hillheads Road, the initial approach to the terraces leads you to the rear of the main stand, past a refreshment hut on the left and past the ‘half time entrance’ to the club bar, The Seahorse. The main stand has uncovered terraced areas to each side which reach around behind both goals to provide ample standing room. On the opposite side of the ground, a similar uncovered, terraced area is currently undergoing preparatory work for a new roof structure which will provide shelter to spectators who favour the south side of the ground.

Hillheads Park main stand

Pre & post match, there are two bars close to the ground aside from the adjoining Seahorse pub. About three hundred yards down Hillheads Road towards the town centre, Last Orders, is a popular watering hole for Bay fans pre and post match, meanwhile, a ten minute walk in the other direction, The Foxhunters is a child friendly pub which also serves food. In the town centre, and within 10-15 minutes of the ground on foot, there are a plethora of pubs on Whitley Road. The Townhouse (on the corner of Park Avenue and Whitley Road) and The Fax Ox come particularly recommended for those looking for a more dignified pre-match pint, meanwhile, The Firestation - a Wetherspoons pub – and the Victoria pub provide the visiting supporter with further pre-match choices. For the benefit of those who wish to make a weekend of it, a night out in nearby Tynemouth provides a welcome change of scene and Newcastle city centre is only a 25 minute journey on the Metro.

Whilst Whitley Bay the town may be considered a poor man’s Blackpool, for the visiting football fan an away day at Hillheads is definitely one to mark in the diary.

Oh! Carroll

Newcastle fans are famous for lots of things - drinking, supporting the club through thin and thin and terrific away support, but one of the underrated talents we possess is the ability to churn out some real hit terrace songs. We have the old standards of course; the "Blaydon Races" (seldom sung with the correct lyrics), "Untitled" (it goes, "An N and an E and a wubbleyoo C...") along with "Geordie Boot Boys" and "Drunk & disorderly" which are amongst my personal favourites, despite the somewhat passé references to hooligan tendencies. Whilst these are to name but a few, Newcastle fans are definitely there or thereabouts when it comes to getting new terrace songs into the domain. Indeed it was Supermac who described our song writing as "clever" and "inventive" when, on his United debut, the chorus of Superstar (from "Jesus Christ Superstar") rang out around St James' Park as he completed his hat-trick. Only it wasn't Jesus who was the superstar on this occasion.

Up and down the land countless nursery rhymes, advertisement jingles, pop songs and even hymns have been adopted and adapted for maximum terrace effect, whether it's to support the team or mock the opposition. "Hark now here" is almost a perennial terrace Christmas carol, though the modified refrain, "because of New Year's Day", points at the New Year's Day home derby wins of both 1980 and 1985 rather than anything traditionally festive. Fast forward to these days and "Oh Coloccini" - a re-writing of the chorus of Frankie Valli's 1967 hit, "Can't take my eyes off you" - illustrates not only the invention of whoever it was who thought of it, but also the desire to reach beyond the safety of tried and tested melodies. But, we always need a distinctive song for our number 9. Undeterred by the extra syllable, the Andy Cole song (when he gets the ball he scores a goal) is now bestowed on Andy Carroll and that's great. Originally a hit for Boney M, although actually an adaptation of an old ditty first published in 1880 called "Polly Wolly Doodle", it does however seem a little lazy. Recycling's great, but Andy Carroll deserves something different.

So, here's my submission for a fresh Andy Carroll song, based on Neil Sedaka's 1958 hit, "Oh! Carol":-

"Oh Carroll! Nolan, Timmy Krul;
Shola I love you, you're better than Raul;
Oh Carroll! You made the mackems cry;
but if you leave me, I will surely die.

Carroll will you go and score another!
Nolan, Timmy Krul;
Shola I love you, you're better than Raul;
Oh Carroll! You made the mackems cry;
but if you leave me, I will surely die.

Repeat to fade, as they say in the business...

Newcastle 5 - 5under1and 1

Truly one of the most memorable Newcastle games of recent times and, surpassing the Beardsley hat-trick game of New Year's Day 1985, probably the best derby game I've witnessed at St James' Park. T'was the perfect day: to a man, Newcastle were incredible. Sunderland, meanwhile, were worse than appalling. Since Sunday, the press and social media has been awash with an abundance of superb accounts, superlatives, testimonials and lampoonery, and celebrations are set to continue long into November. If only we had a scoreboard to symbolise the occasion - here's one I made earlier...