It had to happen sooner or later - England face Germany in the World Cup second round. Come 3pm on Sunday, roads will be quiet, pubs will be packed and a nation will expect. In the meantime, the usual rhetoric is doing the rounds. Playful, yet often bordering on the xenophobic, the banter goes some way to stir excitement but does little to cement Anglo-Deutsch relations.
Our European brothers and sisters are often the butt of many a joke, whether it's to do with a supposed sense of humour deficiency or context-less world history references, but this Sunday is about football. Besides, I think Germany, and Germans, should be our friends. After all, we owe them much.
Look no further than some of the German words that have enriched popular English language. We have all felt some schadenfreude during this World Cup - the early exits of France and Italy stand as stark, supporting evidence. There'll be feelings of angst amongst many if Sunday's result doesn't go the right way. Okay, anxiety, is probably a better word but then I start running the risk of watering down my point. Hopefully you can see where I'm going with this - I was going to mention, doppelganger, poltergeist and masochism (insert your own joke here) but I'm starting to drift.
What about some of the world's most important inventions? It's more than likely that come Monday morning and needing to drive to work with a sore head, I'll be popping a couple of asprin, driving my Volkswagen car (consuming diesel) whilst listening to Led Zeppelin. All German creations - well, okay Led Zeppelin were from Birmingham but the zeppelin is a German invention. And, I couldn't imagine listening to Led Balloon on the way to work.
It would be downright irresponsible of me not to celebrate Germany for providing us with Düsseldorf as the illustrious backdrop to the first series of Auf Wiedershen, Pet. Okay, the building site was in Borehamwood and they went on location to Hamburg to film other 'German' scenes but we all believed it and at the time I couldn't help wishing I lived in that wooden hut too.
Indeed the city of Hamburg has a lot to be proud of. Some of the most important aspects of British culture wouldn't have developed but for the Hamburg effect (see Auf Pet, above). In the early '60s The Beatles cut their teeth as hardened performers, assumed their famous haircuts and got hooked on pills all whilst in Hamburg. They even recorded versions of ...She loves you“ and ...I want to hold your hand“ in German to remain close to their German fan-base. Outside of the Reeperbahn, Kevin Keegan displayed some of his best haircuts whilst playing for SV.
Furthermore, Germany has produced some of the world's finest classical composers. More recently, without Kraftwerk it’s arguable that Joy Division & New Order wouldn’t have been invented, and they also proved that Soft Cell & Ultravox weren’t entirely “our fault”. Even the legendary Ian Dury and the Blockheads were moved to include some German lyrics in their classic, ...Hit me with your rhythm stick“.
Famous for their planning and ruthless efficiency, only the Germans could leverage these qualities to enhance their drinking experiences. So the stereotype goes, it seems they've identified that glasses with a capacity of one pint simply aren't enough. So they make glasses big enough for four pints. Genius - less trips to the bar and so, more time with Freunde to drink & work on those comedy routines.
Film culture isn't exempt either. Take Run Lola Run - a film where ...a young woman in Germany has twenty minutes to find and bring 100,000 Deutschmarks to her boyfriend before he robs a supermarket“ (thanks IMDB). Who could have thought a film starring a sweaty, German, flame haired girl running around for 80 minutes could be so entertaining? In all seriousness, I think it's a great film.
German cars are very popular too and you don't need me to explain why this is the case. But, and without us even realising, we are showing incredible respect to the German car industry right here, right now. All over England's roads we see Audis, Volkswagens, even Mercedes cars, flying England flags - the ultimate olive branch.
So, whilst Franz Beckenbauer continues to have his neck firmly wound in the ...out“ position, I prefer to assume a solitary yet firm footing on my very own high ground. To celebrate Germany is to become at one with Germany. To become at one with Germany is to step into the psyche of all Germans - even to become Germany. Only then can we step forth into Sunday with confidence, smile when we hear the words, ...penalty“ and ...shootout“, and have no outcome in mind other than a decisive victory and progression into the last eight.
Even if you can't agree, rise above the usual red-top oratory and keep schtum. Sing for England and focus your energy on a scintillating game of football and a positive result.
England 1 Germany 0. Gerrard. 65th minute. Header. Wunderbar.
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